Lazy Movie Review: New Moon

Yes, I watched it. God help me. It’s one of those things that has become such a cornerstone of pop culture that I had to check it out even if only so I could properly mock it. And now afterwards, what are my thoughts…

Well… My thoughts pretty much mirror my thoughts on Twilight. For one, Bella just doesn’t seem to warrant the attention from the guys in this series. She’s always been moody and not that interesting. I’m not sure if the casting director was specifically looking for a ‘girl next door’ either, but if they were, they succeeded. Stewart does look like someone you might actually know, meaning she’s not that hot – lust is hardly inspiring Edward and Jacob. Which brings us back to personality, moody and uninteresting – oh and with the sequel throw in suicidal depression. This chick needs therapy and probably drugs.

Edward remains annoying with his pouty ‘woe is me’ crap. God, man up. You’re a fucking vampire.

Jacob is a nice guy looking out for the object of his affection. (OMG, I’m on Team Jacob) Jacob’s only flaw is the affection is aimed at Bella. Sadly the film took entirely to long to out Jacob as a werewolf (something we knew maybe an hour or so into Twilight). Once it did though I was fairly impressed with the werewolf effects. This is one of the best interpretations of a werewolf I’ve seen. No wolfman crap, these guys turn into wolves – wolves the size of a car that run in packs and fully aware while in wolfform. They will hunt you down and fuck you up.

Finally we must address the best part of the Twilight series, Ashley Greene’s Alice. Still hot. Still bubbly and cheerful but not so over the top it’s annoying. Bella take notes – noone wants to date the depressed angsty girl... oh wait.

Oh well, here’s to hoping in Eclipse Alice hooks up with Jacob and they run off to have sparkly puppies.

2 Stars – My Rating
3 Stars – Netflix Prediction

Lazy Movie Review: Law Abiding Citizen

I Law Abiding Citizen, King Leonidas- er Gerard Butler’s character is a loving family man who has his wife and daughter murdered after a home invasion. One of the culprits turns rat for a cushy plea bargain with ADA Jamie Foxx. Butler’s character is pissed and spends years planning revenge.

The revenge is sweet, at first. The 2 murderers get their due in scenes that you cheer at, even if you really shouldn’t. Then the bad guy’s defense attorney gets handled. From there things go bad though.

I’m all for revenge n movies, kill wife and daughter – sure have fun killing them. But once that revenge vibe gets turned towards the district attorneys.. He goes to far and I start cringing.  Lil’ to much. The antihero becomes villain and we must shift to Jamie Foxx as the hero. Frankly he’s just not that charismatic in the role.

Still, for the first two thirds of the movie it’s interesting and tense so it gets an above average rating.

3 1/2 Stars – My Rating
3 1/2 Stars – Netflix Prediction - Creepy

Lazy Movie Review: 9

The CGI post-apocalyptic robot movie, not the musical with Daniel Day-Lewis.

Well, um… it’s pretty. I’ll summarize the plot as best I can. Movie opens with 9 waking up in an attic lab, there’s a dead dude on the floor and a MacGuffin laying nearby. 9 takes the MacGuffin as it looks interesting and looks round. Hey, there’s a guy wandering around outside – let’s go say hi! 9 meets 2. 2 is very excited to see the MacGuffin. 9 and 2 get attacked robo-doggie. Robo-doggie is also excited to see the MacGuffin. Robo-doggies kidnaps 2 and takes the MacGuffin. 9Hooks up with 5, 8 and 1. 9 and 5 leave to rescue 2. Shit hits the fan and 7 rescues 2, 5 and 9. She (7’s a chick) also kills robo-doggie. Everyone’s saved and they all live happily ever- no wait, that' would’ve made sense. Rewind a bit. After 7 rescues everyone, 9… finishes what robo-doggie was doing with the MacGuffin – thus waking up SkyNet and unleashing a horde of Termin- wait wrong series, but it’s essentially the same.

And that’s where I rolled my eyes and tuned out. I kept the movie going but my concentration was on rearranging my DVD shelf. Granted at this point 9 is like, a day old. But c’mon! Evil robo-doggie is trying to do something, robo-doggie dies. Don’t finish what he was doing!!

Ug, makes me wonder who exactly this film was supposed to be targeted at. It’s a CGI animated movie which is like kddie porn (you know what I mean!) It’s PG-13 though and plot points are pretty heavy. World War 3, the extinction of mankind, robot death and the setting is right out of Fallout. It’s to intense for kids and to moronic for adults.

***With this review I’m instituting a new rating aspect (assuming I remember to do it again). I’m going to list my score, and what Netflix thought I’d think. Just to compare this stuff, Netflix is eerily accurate.

2 Stars – My Rating
3 Stars - Netflix prediction

Where do these people come from?

I am officially a talentless hack. Who are these people??

Lazy Movie Review: 2012

Meh.

Hopping in a limo and outrunning an earthquake. Really? C’mon. Obviously we’re stretching reality here, but make it seem at least partially believable. There’s just to much suspension of disbelief to prevent me from rolling my eyes through most of it.

More interesting were some casting choices. Thumbs up to a surprise Woody Harrelson I didn’t realize was in it. Also the lead scientist was bugging the hell out of my the entire movie. Where have I seen that guy?! Quick trip to IMDB revealed he was the operative from Serenity. An ‘oh yeah’ feeling hit me immediately once I saw it.

My eyes! My eyes!

Whatever you do, don’t click this.

Civically Responsible

So I just completed the 2010 Census form. I feel all responsible and stuff.

I need a beer.